Category Archives: On a lighter note

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A CONDOM

The world is now so fantasized about the wedding industry that a lot of people fail to realize that after the lights go off, the camera shutters closes, the fanfare ends and the guests go home, then life starts, all the Instagram posts and the pre wedding shoots now remains in the past and reality kicks in. most people borrow to impress others during their weddings, and others risk it all only for the glamour of it.

While others made the most out of the pre wedding, wedding plans they forget all about the post wedding life, they begin the journey into sadness and depression.

While some waited to get married before they had sex and have a successful marriage. Some did not wait, and still have a successful marriage.

Some kept their marriage private, and have a successful marriage. Some kept it open and annoyed us with their public displays of unwanted affection, and still have a successful marriage.

While some engaged (sorry handcuffed) a lady for over 18 months, and have a successful marriage, some dated for 3 months and have a successful marriage, some have been in the dating game for too long like 10+ years and still have a successful not-marriage-relationship going!

While some are ok with being baby mama’s, others prefer their camera looks to remain intact and postpone child bearing till later.

While other get married and still have a connect with their ex’s, others jump to JORO to tell the world how they hump and rump just another guy they meet. Others claim they are the slay queens or they want to be slay queens.

Truth is that marriage is like a condom, one size does not always fit all and even when it manages to fit, sometimes it does not work.

Take your own pick in life, get and follow your heart and soul mate, and please spare us the details of your sex life and nasty details of cheating.

 

 

–Notes from Ofilispeaks

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Filed under Liberation, Love and relationship, On a lighter note, Science and life, unlimited power

HOPE FOR TODAY

Hey Tweeps,

Once again I summon some guts to drop you a line and for a long time I wish I had done this but the writer’s block keeps holding me back.

I have been working hard on 3 new projects for the office and for my personal gains, yes it’s a year where you need to expand your coast and get things done as 2017 is still a turbulent year even as so many people toil harder to ensure they get a stable living. The odds remains against the average Nigerian who would battle daily for every basic amenity.

I ponder daily on the next steps for our dear Nigeria and wonder if it would ever get better for, the news of mayhem daily hunts us, from killings to kidnap, Naira fall to the dollar or police brutality. Recently I was thrown into fear with the news of a coup as I had earlier discussed with a colleague that I fear a repeat of the first coup in Nigeria which was character by mass looting and all what is happening today. We hear a lot about the recoveries made by EFCC and this brings tears to the eyes of the average Nigerian struggling for food and shelter.

We are expectant that the economy would eventually improve so there would be a bit of calmness in the country. It saddens me to know how much people spend to enjoy the basic amenities in life. I have to spend good money to power my house. The pain and anger of how sad things have gone just makes you cringe in fear of the unknown. I marvel at the level of mediocrity some youth have taken up. The sad part is there seems not to be a clear end to this as the more we go ahead, the darker it seems.

I would like to share some positive words here…

No matter how dark it is, there would definitely be morning, where it would all brighten up.

The past is gone and we only treasure today and hope a better tomorrow comes around sooner.

I hope for a better Nigeria where we move the world and change the way we are perceived.

Above all….stay positive and ensure to keep the light shining.

Cheers.

 

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On a lighter note…..MESSI DESTROYS BOATENGS CAREER

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May 7, 2015 · 5:36 pm

WHY SO MUCH BEEF FOR LINDA IKEJI?

So this week was quite interesting for me and I learned a few PLENTY things… the highpoint of this week was the site pull down of Linda Ikeji’s blog on the grounds of plagiarism. I had a very tough time with my colleagues Igoche Egwu and Dare Davids trying to understand why someone would go so far to shut down a bloggers site. Then we went as far as talking about the essence of her blog and how she got to the peak of blogging in Nigeria (this they totally disagree). Well I guess they would not understand as blogging is a gift and you only feel it when you have the experience.

I stand corrected to make bold may statement that Linda Ikeji has developed digital media in Nigeria and blogging has now become lucrative because people like us have gotten sponsorship deals from blogging. It is a pastime that would make you some money if you are judicious with it. Well with the people I mentioned there, I doubt you can ever win any argument as they would come at you with different points, (annoying or sensible) just to make sure you don’t win. Other colleagues saw my points and maintained that the site shouldn’t have come down cos of a mere story. Gossip sells reason why Kim Kadashian, her family and the Jenners have made it big on the biggest Gossip TV ever.

Well I stumbled on a post by one of my funny and hilarious blogger Ofili and below is an excerpt from his blog.

It all started with the Linda Ikeji plagiarism accusation story, which I am sure most of you have heard by now so I am not even going to touch that. But what struck me about the many debates I was involved in on twitter, Facebook pages, Facebook groups, whatsapp and others places is the amount of disguised hate people have for the Linda. People will say “o we are not hating we are just stating that plagiarism is wrong” and “she should apologize and everything will be fine” but then when she apologizes … people will say that “o that apology was not good enough” or “the comma was off a little bit.” No matter what she said or did a small select people will find fault in it. And that made me think and realize something…

And that is that whether you like it or not there are people that will hate you, it is an inevitability of life. And the more successful you are, the more hate you will get … this is nothing new. But the clincher is that the hate escalates even more depending on the job you do. Let me explain…

About a month ago, I was driving down the roads of FM 1960 in Houston when a truck sped past me at about 80 miles per hour converted to Nigerian units it was moving very fast! It was 11:00 pm and obviously dark except for the street lights. I was startled. When something like that happens it is normally an indication of a live street race so I know not to switch lanes so I don’t get clipped … and before I knew it another truck zoomed past me. I was right … this was definitely a street race …

But then another truck sped by and yet another one … that was like 5 trucks in a row and at top speed. Which is odd because trucks don’t do speed races typically. And then I started looking at the trucks much more closely and realized that this was not a street race! These were tow trucks … and they were racing not for leisure but for business…

There had been an accident and they were on a race to get to the site as fast as they could. Their top priority was not who lived or who died or who was critically injured in that accident but rather who got there first … even if it meant causing another accident! “What type of people would do a job such as this?” I thought to myself.

A job that depends on accidents to be successful. No matter how you spun it, tow truck drivers to me were dirt. You couldn’t spin it any other way. And the way I think about tow truck drivers is the way a percentage of people think about “gossip” bloggers such as Linda Ikeji. No matter how you spin it, they are and will be hated by some people for seemingly exploiting people’s social accidents. They could walk on water, build a hospital in Kano and even bring back our girls but they will be hated. That is what Linda is facing and will face continually because of the job she does …

The way I think about tow truck drivers is the way a percentage of people think about “gossip” bloggers such as Linda Ikeji. No matter how you spin it, they are and will be hated by some people for seemingly exploiting people’s social accidents.

That made me realize that I need to be even more objective in criticizing (and supporting) public figures, I need to be slower in jumping to conclusions about people who on the basis of their job description are more prone to be hated … from LASTMA to Nigerian Police to Flashy African Pastors. Because not everyone is 100% evil …

The same Tow Trucks that zoomed past me in the middle of the night are the same ones that helped tow my car when it broke down and the same ones that jump started my Camry when the battery was out. I learned all that this week when I saw someone that has given and helped so many people get her character practically torn down in the space of seconds!

Picture Credit: Mania Magazine

 

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WHY DOES SUPERMAN WEAR A STUPID RED CAPE?

Dear Readers,

I have struggled to write a post all day but the work load mounts, I stopped by at my favourite blog Ofilispeaks  and as usual I was not disappointed, I am free to share as I have done credit to his brains. Enjoy….

Why Does Superman Wear A Cape? Nobody knows. Not even him. He doesn’t need the cape to fly and unlike Batman he does need it to glide. Maybe he uses it as a head wrap or perhaps a blanket to sleep at night…who knows.

I mean the cape does not give him any super powers or any particular advantages. In fact he can function well without the cape but yet he wears it! That red flowing cape that drives engineers crazy!

Especially when they realize that Superman can actually jump higher and fly faster without all the unnecessary drag caused from his cape flapping around in the wind and colliding with all kinds of air molecules … faster than a speeding bullet? Yeah right … more like dumber than a speeding bullet!

The red flowing cape that his enemies use against him on several occasions to fling, strangle and slam him all around Metropolis. Just check out this 2013 Man Of Steel fight scene where General Zod’s loyalists kick Superman’s behind by using his cape against him.

As you can see from the end, even Disney Incredibles know better! And that is that capes are a no no for any serious super heroes. But yet Superman wears it…

Maybe because he is so freaking strong that he does not realize all the disadvantages of having a cape. I mean he defeated Doomsday see video and even beat the Flash in a race see video so why take off the cape? Maybe it’s because he has always worn one? And that might actually be it, because all fiction aside…a lot of our businesses are like Superman with his useless cape.

We have systems just like he has his red cape, we don’t know why they are there or what purpose they serve, all we know is that it has been there from the start so why change it. Even when the illogicality hits us straight in the face we just stick with the red capes not realizing how much they slow us down. How much they hamper us.

If you have ever been to the Atlanta International Airport (I have been but it was a sad experience I almost missed my flight and my luggage did not make it to Nigeria), you will notice something peculiar. It consists of 7 concourses, concourse A, B, C, D, E, F and … not G. The next concourse is actually T, not only that but concourse T comes before concourse A. Which makes no sense at all, but why the illogicality? Why not make concourse “T” concourse “A” and re-arrange all the others to follow a logical A-B-C-D-E-F-G order?

The answer is as complex as Superman’s Cape. The illogical naming of the Atlanta concourses is a thing of legacy as described by David Zweig in his awesome book Invisibles: The Power Of Anonymous Work In An Age Of Self-Promotion. In the book, David inquired from Jorge Cortes the assistant director of Design Planning and Development at the Atlanta International Airport. Here is a summary of his findings:

“I later emailed … to get an explanation for why ‘T’ was first used and why it still in use now. Alas, the reasoning behind it is so layered and opaque, all I can say is succinctly is that it’s the result of repeated airport redesigns, additions and renaming’s dating back to 1980!”

Notice those words “repeated,” “layered,” “opaque” and “1980.”

All of them relate to that one thing that kills businesses and organizations, red cape systems that have become established simply because they were used repeatedly in the past and are now so enmeshed in layers and layers of opaque bureaucracy that is hard … almost impossible to remove … to change. So the company just flies along with the status quo, too un-bothered to realize or acknowledge the detriments of an illogical legacy systems.

But the red cape phenomenon is not just limited to Atlanta…it affects us here in Nigeria.

One of our many red capes are roundabouts.

We build roundabouts all over the country especially in Lagos. Despite the fact that it has clearly not worked in controlling traffic. I mean just check out Falomo at rush hour or one of the many Lekki roundabouts and you will understand the problem with roundabouts! But who dares get rid of the roundabouts? No one!

It is ingrained in our system, likely from the British who gave it to us in the early 1900′s. And boy have wee held on tight to it. Building roundabouts everywhere even when the evidence shows that it makes no sense to do so. I mean just consider the roundabout at Allen Avenue!

Where do I start?

Growing up Allen Avenue was the hit spot, the Adeola Odeku of the Main Land. But today due to population explosion Allen Avenue is packed … so packed that a permanent concrete barrier has been placed to prevent cars from making u-turns in the middle of Allen Avenue. In fact the only way you can turn is via two roundabouts at either end of Allen.

The more interesting roundabout of the two is the one close to Adeniyi Jones.

But before I start, let me explain that a roundabout is meant to function independent of traffic wardens. But this is Nigeria where the roundabouts get so congested that we need traffic wardens … not 1 but several of them. But what makes this particular roundabout crazily “red cape” unique is the fact that it has traffic lights in it! I have never seen a round about with traffic lights in it. The first time I entered that roundabout I was confused … I thought it was prank or some sort of joke. But it was real!

Why build a round about with traffic lights in it? What’s the point? Why not just remove the roundabout and replace it with a fully functional junction with traffic lights. And why do we still build roundabouts! The answer is simply this…just like superman’s cape, like the concourse “T” at the Atlanta International Airport and like many others things hampering businesses, it happens because of legacy, because that’s the way people have done it in the past.

Great leaders, great entrepreneurs are the ones bold enough, crazy enough to question the red capes and take them out of their organizations … because we like Superman don’t need capes to fly!

 

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ON A LIGHTER NOTE….Vol 17

Humour

Stopped by Jide Salu’s blog and found this, thought I should share with you all.

I thought it was an ingenious poster. In this season of Wars, Boko Haram and What-have-you-atrocities…I thought this pic should bring much needed smile or laughter to readers depending on your humour level.

Feel free to send us photos you think will make us smile or laugh.

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HOW NOT TO BECOME A JOSE MOURINHO AT WORK…..


Hey guys,

I got a piece I would like to share with you from Ofilispeaks. A writer I admire so much, this is sequel to the how not to be a David moyes at work and not that I would like to disown my coach or my club, but the lies from Ofili speaks a lot on reality and how to relate these to your personal life,

Enjoy…….

#1 Recruit From Within Your Organization First Before Recruiting Outside
One of the thing that baffles me about Managers is this addiction to recruit talent from outside when they already have talent in their very own company. And they do so at a much higher price, ignoring the talent within their organization … dismissing them as being too young, too inexperienced and not worthy of that big pay raise. It’s as if there is this magical and might I add false belief that outside organization hiring is better, that why you see time and time again that the people that earn the most are normally the ones that have changed jobs the most. But let’s ignore the money aspect for a second and look at the performance aspect.

According to the independent.ie, on January 29, 2014, Chelsea had 39 goal attempts against West Ham out of that they scored a whooping zero times. This was the most goal attempts by any Premier League club in the last 10 years without scoring! But this is nothing new, Mourinho anticipated that Chelsea needed strikers at the start of the season, but what he did to address this was bizarre and confusing.

He loaned out a proven striker by the name of Romelu Lukaku to Everton despite the fact that he had scored 17 times last season. To replace Lukaku, Mourinho went all the way to Russia to bring in Samuel Eto, who was playing in the less competitive Russian league. But that was just a fragment of the bigger picture …. the number of goals Chelsea players had scored this season was 60, while the number of goals the players they had loaned out to other teams had scored was an impressive 82 as of January 2014!

If Chelsea had held on players like Lukaku that were already in their system and not focused on hiring from outside, who knows where they would be this season. As Managers we need to focus on the talent we have from within before looking outside.

#2 Your Very Own Outside Talent May Come Back To Hurt You
Watching 21 year old Athletico Goal Keeper Thibaut Courtois make save after save against Chelsea in their April 30th Champions League victory over Chelsea was spell binding. In fact the only goal that got past him during the entire 180 minutes of the double leg encounter was a deflection. This was a sharp contrast to the other end, the Chelsea goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer who become the oldest Champions league debutante at the age of 41! Continue reading

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PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH PATIENCE GRAMMAR

This is so hilarious and I had to share it.

When people talk about Patience Faka Jonathan, the first thing that comes to mind is her English.
The fact that she uses pidgin phrases such as “na you waka come” and “diaris God.” People feel that for a first lady in such a high position such language is inexcusable. But I beg to differ…. I will rather have a leader be authentic than hear an amalgamation of British-Indian-American forced accents that have become the norm in our Nigerian society today.

Because the way you talk, the way you pronounce words, the sophistication or the level of complex words you throw together is not a determinant of how intelligent you are, it has never been. That’s why when Patrick Obahiagbon speaks with his big words so complex that Harvard professor’s orgasm it gets lost in translation. Because Nigerians don’t understand him and at the end of the day he makes no sense at all…he sounds stupid.

I mean just flip through your radio dial and you will be hit with a plethora of grammar from American to British to Indian and sometimes ancient Latin, all this while you are still physically in Nigeria. All because we have somehow come to equate big grammar and sophisticated accents with intelligence.

That’s why I really have no issue with Patience grammar, because the first lady represents 170 million Nigerians and not just the so called sophisticated few. So when she speaks in her mixture of pidgin and English plus a strong accent, more Nigerians will understand and connect with her than a Patrick Obiagbon or an OAP’s fabricated accent. And we connect because it comes from a place of authentic understanding. As long as a person knows what they are talking about we would understand … I personally was taught Math’s, English and Science by teachers with strong accents and faulty grammar. We sometimes would laugh and make fun of them when they made grammatical errors but at the end of the day they made us succeed despite the grammar gap. The grammar was not important, it was what they knew in their heads that was important.

Ironically I think the whole pidgin English distracts from the real problem with Patience.
It was never about what she said or did not say at the #diarisGod conference, but rather the timing. It took her 20 plus days to address the issue but only after considerable international pressure. And when she did address it, she made a show of it.

Time and again she has been absent on critical issues that a first lady could help give a voice to…

Where was she when lawmakers were voting to approve under age marriage?
Where was she when students were killed by boko haram in Yobe?
Where was she when the video of the 5 gang rapists went viral?
Where was she when 4 University students aka the ALUU 4 were mobbed?

The answer frankly is nowhere. The criticism of the first lady is not for things she has said but rather for things she has not said! Plus her absence in selfless but important National issues which is a stark contrast to her political activism disruption in states like Rivers.

At the end of the day Nigerians are not looking for a first lady that wears Vera Wang or Calvin Klein, or one that speaks with American-British-Jamaican English and drops big words left right and center. What Nigerians want is a first lady that cares for her people whether the camera is on or off, a first lady that brings issues to the limelight not one that appears after the lime light has been created by others and then tries to hug the lime light. A first lady that is known not for what she says but for what she does, that’s what we need and that’s what we don’t have….yet….

The patience escapades is also a reflection of the standard of education in Nigeria, if the first lady can speak like this, the second citizen of the Nation then I wonder how those underneath would speak. we don’t need to crucify her or nail her, we just need to speak with the presidency to upgrade the standard of education.

Ofili Speaks

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ON A LIGHTER NOTE….Vol 14 BBM…Rules and Codes

It’s safe to say that almost everyone reading this is familiar with what that word above means… and if you aren’t… welcome to Earth! The Blackberry is one of the most common and most used communication devices today among young people. I love Apple as much as anyone, but let’s not even get into the #teamiPhone versus #teamBlackberry debate. Until you can BBM with an iPhone, we’re not hearing it.
This post is mainly directed at current BB users across the globe. I think the time has come for us to establish a simple set of rules for people who choose to use this device (I’m sure some of these rules will not work only for BB’s. Feel free to use where applicable for any other smartphones).

1) Broadcast Messages – I figure we should start here because this might be the singular MOST ABUSED feature on the Blackberry device. Ladies and gentlemen, there’s an occasional need to Broadcast a message to some or all of your contacts… however I must stress the word OCCASIONAL. It is supposed to be used sparingly, and only when it is important; infact, let’s break broadcast messages into three permission-categories. Yes, No and Maybe.

YES: Broadcast Messages that are permissible SPARINGLY, include (but are not limited to) the following contexts: “Please check out my business/website/Product”, “Vote for someone for this competition”, and the occasional Breaking News Fact that you need to share (but which you have verified) e.g. the Deaths of Michael Jackson and Da Grin. RIP. Continue reading

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TONTO DIKE….My verdict

It was a rainy morning and Lagos has started with its drama, piles of cars driving bumper to bumper no one trying to back down for the other… I was in the cab as I couldn’t phantom struggling with other road user for the small portion of the tarred road not yet destroyed by repeated use. Then the sound from the radio caught my attention…the duty announcers were laughing and making jest..then it hit hard…The Tonto Dike drama. It was like the song was put on auto repeat, the sound couldn’t just leave my head, the lyrics…arrrghhhhh…..the disjointed nature….*(*^(*&*&%*%$#Q..

I could hardly imagine what this was until I read Jide Salu’s blog, and then I’m thinking this content made some sense…Jide’s content.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

That was a quote by Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th American US President said about critics.

You know what I dislike about some particular critics, its the fact that they are cowards. They either register fictitious email accounts to hide their insecurities or register their comments anonymously. I have no problems with someone who may be shy to post an encouraging comment, but surely…..you can’t be shy to post a disparaging comment towards someone who has dared to do….

And that takes me nicely to the Nollywood Actress Tonto Dike. An obviously hard-working lady whom I had never met.

So this lady is an actress, and she has a passion to sing and she went about it with the vigour of her acting skills. That was the sin this lady had committed judging by the slanderous comments towards her…and the unbelievable thing is that she is having fun and having a laugh. She is the doer, the statue that has been erected whilst a majority of social media anonymous critics are the pigeons busy searching for statues to poo on….

I came across a write-up posted on Y’naija….I thought it was spot on. It’s posted below.

While her style, lyrics and vocals were widely panned to unanimous negative reviews, I learned something instrumental (no pun intended) from her.

Click to listen to Tonto Dike’s ITZ OVA + Hi

1. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: While I may not know her, and haven’t listened to her debut, I think it takes a high level of self belief to take a chance on yourself. When last did you take a chance on you?

2. JUST DO IT: Don’t talk about it, be about it! My brother, Pastor Jerry sent his broadcast this morning and said ‘There is only one time that is important in life;It is NOW! NOW is the most important time because it is the only time we have any Power over. Have a sense of urgency over your destiny!’

Are you still saying I WILL DO IT or can you say like my fave female rapper, Eva, I DON DID IT!

Year don nearly end o!

3. HAVE RESULTS & PEOPLE WILL TALK ABOUT YOU!: Nobody celebrates you for a great idea you haven’t made happen! During the last 24 hours, Tonto Dike has been the subject of national conversation; from Blackberry broadcasts to mentions and TRENDING on Twitter. (And for a ‘celebrity’ (from the root word, celebrate), fame or notoriety is pretty much everything).

I wonder how many thousand times her song has been downloaded, shared, blue toothed and broadcast?

Think about it.

Imagine if she was being paid N100 per download…hm.

Where’s YOUR SONG, YOUR BOOK? Where the EVIDENCE of YOUR LIFE? Who’s talking about YOU?

So, back to Tonto’s Music. Good music? Bad music?

The jury is out. You decide.

The bottom line is YOU COULDN’T IGNORE HER!

 

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